Death

Sometimes we equate death with someone that we meet, sometimes we know him all to well. Such is what I have today. This post is more to remember, for me personally, some of those I've lost and why they stay with me. The details are for me, and you dear reader, may join or not. While at times I laugh and joke at the things that happen, they make a heavy impact. These are not all that are with me, but today they are present.

My journey with death began before I took breath. There was a twin that died before birth. One physician told me that it was a miracle I survived with the other fetus there. I don't know. We never knew if it was male or female, I don't have any feelings either way. For years though I thought that my mom would have preferred the other one, I don't know why, but it was a very real emotion.

As a nursing student I one of my first patients was made not only "do not resuscitate" but no food or water. He was begging for a drink, mostly beer actually. That was a difficult patent to care for, he really pulled on my emotions and I couldn't understand why the family did that. Even now, when I look at those cases, I have trouble if the pt is conscious.

One of my first deaths was that of a woman while we were evaluating her for hospice. She died while I was taking her pulse and answering the questions about how the family would know it was happening. I still remember when the realization hit that she was dead and now what do I do. Hers was quite, peaceful, painless from all observation.

Unlike recently, when I went on break, came back to find a pt in my bed. He was all over the bed, obviously in pain. The basic story was he was about to have a minor procedure when he began complaining of chest pain. However, what they told the shift supervisor was he had a low blood sugar. Forgot to mention the heart attack that was going on!!! He died in pain, and I saw it. It's always the eyes that get me. When you know there is nothing you can do, I couldn't get the morphine quick enough to help. Again, one I had to stay alone in the room and just be there, tell him I'm sorry, and you tell them their family loves them and hope it's true.

Only a few weeks later we got a woman down from the floor. I don't even remember why, I think she was short of breath. Anyway, we got her somewhat stable and I resumed care for my pt. Later I realized they were not doing well in that room, went down to help. While standing at the bedside, she looked at me - I saw her eyes, asked if she was in pain, and then called for my co-worker, for she was dying. I didn't need the monitor to tell me anything, I knew before. Of course we coded her until the physician had us stop. We had her husband of many years come be with her, but she had been gone, he was just watching the monitor wind down.

The most recent is the one that troubles me most lately. He was my pt for several days, a truly delightful man. The way his room faced the unit he could watch everything that went on and he loved it. Then one day we switched a medication, it basically stressed his heart and he had pain, shortness of breath, all the signs of a heart attack. Of course we changed things and then not long after I was called away to a couple of codes. It bothered me that I had to leave him, what had I been called away before he developed those symptoms, would the others have noticed in time, my partners pts were quite busy. He made it through the day and I was off for several days. When I returned I asked which floor he had been sent to, they looked at me, then told me how he had died, in great distress, two days after I had him. I knew his heart was bad, but I guess I thought he would be okay for awhile. Maybe because he was funny like my dad, maybe just because I liked him, I don't know, but it hit me very hard.

Last year we had two young mothers die. We took the babies, we did every trick known to us (and their wonderful physicians) to save these women, but they had too many complications. I'll never forget seeing one staff nurse, a young man, frantically doing CPR on one as the other one rolled into the unit (she died two weeks later, same thing). They were so young, in their 20's, both very similar. Both babies survived. My staff, and obviously me, were traumatized. I still need to hold a baby.

This could go on and on. The one that no one could get the mother to let go, I came on duty with no plans to discuss it with her since everyone else had. She did the morning visit, walked up and said it was time to let him go. She allowed me to call his friends to come, arranged last rites for him, and let him go. There was the one I just watched while a nurse went to lunch, she passed away as soon as the girl left. There was one that I had in the ER, the spouse worked for us, while they were home getting ready for work, the pt died. We thought we were going to send her home. Again, so many.....

So what do I fear in death? I fear not seeing my children marry and have their own families. I want to see their children. Otherwise, I don't mind. The song "Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die" has been playing in my head constantly. Tis true. Yet is it death to self or death to the body? Death to self is harder. I have felt death in the air away from work only once. Sadly, it should have not been where it was. I hope to avoid it for some time with the new job. Death with peds would not be good. Maybe a few more snatches from the drain.

Balls of Yarn

So I get this phone call this morning. I really stressed yesterday over how I needed to put my resignation in, needed to set a date, blah blah blah. I chose the 27th as my last day. That way I could work Christmas and fulfill that duty. Spouse had suggested I make that my last day but I didn't feel good about that. The 27th would be better. I sent it in. This morning the new boss from the children's hospital calls, she's going to post the position for me, I need to reapply for it later today and it will stay up for about 3 days, then they will hire me.

So if I have this straight, I quit my job yesterday, today I can apply for the new one, for three days I'll see it posted, then I should be hired.

Methinks God is toying with me.

I have a friend that calls his students, little balls of yarn (he thinks he's a cat). I'm beginning to feel like a ball of yarn.

However..... I've been griping about reading Isaiah, it's not a warm and fuzzy book. This morning, as usual, I'm waking up when I should be sleeping. At 4:30 I proclaimed I might as well get up, came in and started on, grrrr Isaiah and read Chap 43. Being obsessive about this new Bible hardly anything is underlined or written, dang (the BMC PC editor isn't sure about this word but thinks that it might be okay unless you are extremely strict) if almost the whole chapter isn't at this time. It even has writing in it now. I was rather impressed with all of the "I am" "I have" and "I will" verses there are. And if I am correct, those would include me. Anyway, it was a rather delightful time and, well, then I went back to bed and slept.

Reflections

So when one takes time, becomes reflective when ones normal is quite outgoing they suddenly are quized about what's wrong or the latest, "your sulking". Dude, I'm beat. Not just physically, job interviews (2 in 3 days) are quite taxing. One I wanted the other I did not. Actually I turned down the job I want and the one I don't want will be difficult because it is turning down a friend. And while I love her dearly, I don't want to work in that area.

My mind is shot, I stress sleep, and I think I could go down for a long time. So what to do? Currently I have the iPod, headphones, mac, and am in bed pretty much in the dark. I have everything but you gentle reader, shut totally out. What is missing? Well, if you really have the inside scoop on me, there is one thing really missing, but it would not promote a good outcome here. I would prefer a bottle of crown, Nirvana and/or Pink Floyd, and no one talking to me.

So, what to do. Methinks it's going to be back with the headphones on and not chat with family. They will be okay.

Thinking

Sometimes thinking is a wonderful thing. In fact, we should all practice it more. I find myself wishing I was much smarter and better educated than I am. Sometimes I wonder if I traded belief for intelligence, but I suspect that I'm just not that smart.

Okay, the other day I was watching House with the boys and there was an episode where a young lady had been raped. She then, of course for better television, was also pregnant from the rape. Not sure how in an hour episode we could learn that, but again the miracle of TV. I must confess here, as a former marcher against abortion, after I got older and entered the medical profession I have revised my views somewhat on abortion.

Now, I know the scriptures, please don't blast me. Please. And many of my friends would be horrified to find this out. However, I can't find fault with a woman should she choose to abort a child from rape. I know, it's not the fault of the baby, I know that it is still killing the baby..... I just don't know that we support the family enough.

Am I horrible? Is it okay to ask these questions? Ah, the best.... what would Jesus say? I often think of what did Jesus wrote in the sand. What would he have written about me? or you? Do we ever think about that?

I'm afraid to judge, yet I do. A friend and I were talking the other day, she mentioned that she is having to learn that she is judgemental. I know this about her, but sadly, I did hold my tongue. There are things I don't tell her because I know that she will be, well, probably more truthful than I can handle. And as we talked, I confessed to her that I'm afraid of what others say about me. I like to think that I'm considered happy, a source of kindness, a good co-worker, on the home front: a good mom, caring, a good wife, I know the dogs can't complain too much. Ah but the darkness inside is strong. I have a very black side, one that would surprise most of my friends. To say that my sin nature is always with me would be an understatement.

Too much for a blog? Probably. Didn't need to hear it, fine, quit reading. This is my escape. I'll be funny another day. Maybe it's the PMS..... actually that was strong the other day. It's truly bad when you put yourself to bed. Which I should probably do now before I say too much.

Discussion - Church Split

This is to give me a chance to work out a situation in my life currently. The church that we have been part of for 10-12 years has recently fallen apart. The basic "facts" (I use parenthesis because I can only report it from what I have seen and those around me - I believe if you ask others you will get a different view. My prayer is that God will show me if I am in error.)
A little over a year ago the church called a new pastor. This man is well known throughout the nation, his father is a famous writer. In the year that followed we have discovered that he has different views of how to govern the church, his ministry is not what we thought, etc. The point of this is not to attack him, the result was that he left the church in a divided way. Since then the church has been run by the deacons, one basic element was that they were divided over who is head of the church: Christ or the pastor.

There is a small group of people that through this have sought God together and would like to remain together. There is a man that had been the associate pastor of the church that would lead this group. They all believe God has called them out of the other church. The AP (associate pastor) has a real shepherds heart and loves the sheep. So the question is: is it unscriptural for them to do this? Is it a violation of God's principles? Should they just go join another church down the road?

Actually this is from a conversation I had with my son. Sons are a good thing, they are a gift from the Lord. My sons, bless their hearts, treat me at times as if I have no spiritual thought or basis. It does keep me humble, sometimes too humble. Sometimes devastated, yet it makes me think and helps me to focus back on scripture. Sons don't understand emotion at all. I have had to learn to phrase things without using emotion as a basis or cause. This is good. Sadly, sometimes I think that scripture does use emotion, but I know these boys will continue to grow in the Lord. I say all this because I want my son to know that I have thought about what he said, I have also (and more importantly sought the Lord about it) and that I am seeking scripture to be sure that I am not being lead astray. Been in Egypt, don't want to go back. My eyes just drifted down to Gal 6: 4 Each one should test his own actions. ...." I can only judge what is in my own heart. I have no gain either way this goes, should there be a new body, I gain nothing, should there not, I gain nothing.

I am not, repeat not a scholar. I am not defining this for anyone but me. This is my exploration of thought. Feel free to comment, but I need an outlet to express myself.

I did a web search, first site is "The Real Church. com" There is a list of questions. The first few are: Is there a list of the persons faults and are they biblically justifiable? 1 Cor 13:5b NIV

Are we giving the accused ample time to defend himself? John 7:51

Are we doing to him or her, what we would want them to do to us? Matt 7:21

Is this going to be a good example for others to follow? Phil 3:17

The answer to these are that during the process individuals first went to the pastor and tried to use Biblical counseling processes without success. The ministry staff also went separately then together. Now the question of "is this a good example for others to follow? Again, I don't have scripture at my fingertips but what I see in myself is that I need to remove myself from that place. The current leadership showed no desire for reconciliation with the 160+ people that left the church. There was no desire to right what was wrong. I am not saying that there are people in the church that are not following the Lord, but for myself I couldn't submit to the leadership as it exists. I read the whole passage in Phil 3:12-21 my goal is to press on, to live as I have understanding that we are to live. To met with others that have the same desire in their heart, to not play church, but to be the church.

Do we sense the presence and pleasure of God in what we are doing? Would revival spring from this behavior? 2 Chron 7:1-3
One of the last small group meetings (the new group) it was revealed that some here have never been taught to "abide in Christ". These people are longing for and thirsting for Christ and a deeper walk with him. So the answer is yes to this question.


Are we considering the consequence of our behavior should we miss God? Judas, Absalom... Recognizing that it is not always easy to see that we have missed God, there has been much prayer and consideration about this. I was once taught "what is the worst thing that will happen if you do this and are wrong?" This time, we would have to find new churches for each of us, we would have to confess we missed God, and we stand now and would then, that we long to reconcile with the body of Christ.

Moreso here I want to focus on Saul, David, and Absalom. There is a book, A Tale of Three Kings, that focuses on this story and has helped me to put things in perspective as we have walked through this situation. First, the people demanded a king, God gave them one: Saul. Our church wanted a pastor, they felt as if it had been too long, we got one. When Saul went mad, David removed himself from Saul, he never harmed Saul nor did he "trash" Saul. But he did keep himself safe and there were men that followed him, later known as David's mighty men. I don't want to digress much, but it is interesting to note Sauls sins were "pride of life" issues while David sin was flesh. It is harder to become aware of a pride of life sin, whereas it's easy to see fleshly sins in ourselves and others. Absalom also had pride issues. Which of these was a man after God's heart: David. Early in the process of this church issue several were lead to examine these three men. As we discovered that God was leading us down the same path individually we could see God had a lesson here. But the problem was not so much what the pastor was doing, but how to respond, and now that all is done, what do we do now? Are we dividing the body if we gather those that are without a home and shepherd them?


Are we endeavoring to maintain the unity of the body of Christ? Would Jesus, after praying for the unity of the church, be pleased with such behavior? Eph 4:3 I can only speak for myself. Eph 4:1-16 is a scripture that has always been important to me. I will never be worthy of the call. vs 3 "make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit...." So how is a new work going to keep unity? I don't know. We could each go and become functioning members of established bodies in this city. But what if the call is to grow this group? Do we abandon them to find somewhere and hope that this time they find a place that would teach them to abide? Do we assume that God is done with us? Maybe God has an ooppurtunity to resolve this in a way we can't imagine? I don't see my joining another body doing anything to establish unity or to reconcile the current problem. It just leaves it out in the open, that church being a sore in the community. Is this an opportunity to do as vs 14-16 say: We will no longer be infants." There is a chance here for people to grow into a role that God has for them. I am not qualified to be much in the church, yes, I have sinned and it was rather willingly. Yet am I no longer of service? What was Christ doing in redeeming me? Can I ever be part of the church, am I forever lost? I think not. But this is not about me. This is for each of us. Who is worthy? Who can lead the sheep? Who can say which of them needs to grow into a role that they would not have considered. I listened the other day as one leader spoke of this: Patsy in prayer, an older couple in teaching the children, we have those that are elderly and widows, they need someone to care. Maybe some like me have a role they haven't discovered? Who will lead worship? Who understands worship? It needs to be taught. I suspect a time to focus on the small group and equip them to be in the larger body as a whole.

Is the Holy Spirit leading this action? Rom 8:14 I would not have chosen this scripture for this question without using the rest of the passage. I can't say what is in the hearts of the others. I feel a quickening in my spirit. Is that because I dread the thought of finding a new church? Could be. But yet I also find myself wanting to share what I have with these people. There was a question posed one night, have you ever been part of a church where the spirit lead? Most said no, my husband and I have. Methinks they long for that, I long for a return to a church where we include Christ in the service, where we serve one another in love, where we learn to give, to hope, and yet expect each to walk in the light. Where weakness can be seen, but taught to overcome.

Is the person leaving willing to leave and take no one with him without reservation or excuse? Acts 20:29,30 Well, the former pastor left and took many with him. He continues to blame the church for what happened, says that the church was in terrible shape before he came. On my part, yes, I would leave quitely and go somewhere else. I have no agenda. There are a couple of places I could probably go and be a part. The great fear for me is are we starting something so that we can lead others out? There will be many accusations made against what we are doing. I have asked AP's wife many times as the church was working through some of the questions before it was clear they were no longer wanted "you want to pastor these people?" The answer stays with me, "only those God wants us to pastor." This would be my answer, I can leave, I did. No one will notice, they didn't. I am secure in that I am redeemed, I know God will provide me a place. I have no great aspirations to be known in the church. I'm a happy drone. I long to be part of worship, so my heart is to find a place where I can worship freely. Otherwise, I know God will provide.

Has conversations taken place without the presence of the accused. Gal 5:15 Again, reading the whole passage. I have been convicted about talking much about the other place. It goes between amazement that it happened, to how foolish and sinful some have been. So yes, I have sinned in that way, and am working towards not being sinful there again. I long for my heart to love them more and to pray for their freedom. I do not desire that the church there fail unless God desires it. My heart is and will always be that Christ be glorified and that not only that church but that this city would be united in Christ. The history of this city is shameful.

Has the goal always been reconciliation? 2 Cor 5:18 Yes. Yes. Yes. There is no doubt this is always what was sought. None can deny that, although many would say it was not needed. But yes.

So where does this leave me? I struggle with the thought of further dividing the church, yet I long to see reconciliation. I also long to be with this group. I struggle with the knowledge that there are few shepherds that understand sheep and understand the call, when one is found, when one's heart is bound to such a shepherd to leave would be tramatic. There are many churches in this town. There are many people that are content with where they are in church. I call my children idealistic, yet this is the time that I am. I long for fellowship where we are safe with each other, where I can say, "the Lord showed me ...." and know that it will be judged rightly, yet they won't think I'm a freak. I long to truely worship, not just 15 minutes, maybe raise our hands, oh, clap now and then, but a time when our hearts join with the Lord as one. Is it too much to ask?

Chistians are torn in their acceptable and nonacceptable fiction. There is acceptable C.S, Lewis and somehow Tolkien seems to fit into what can be read. Alas Harry Potter is not so widely loved. That's okay, to me it's similar to men wearing pink shirts, a confident man can wear it. I'm confident enough to read Harry Potter without fear of my soul. Trust me, I've done far worse than my reading. But that's something we won't be sharing......

I've basically resorted to laughing about how strange this church thing is. Screwtape Letters couldn't even come this close, nor Frank Paretti. But the parrallels with Potter..... we have the deacon dementors (dementors suck your soul out, they are run off by happy things), the dark lord who tires to kill Harry (no names here, but those in the know will be able to put one or two names here), the church of course is Hogwarts, where the final battle is fought. I'm not sure who Harry is, but at the end he offers himself as a sacrifice to save his friends.

I'm writing this tongue in cheek with a lot of grins. These people in the church are not evil, they have their beliefs and agenda's, I have mine. I believe that most of them are good people that truly believe what they are doing is correct, I just think that they don't understand the fundamentals of Christianity. The love part, the serving part, the part where you don't lie, the part where you have Christ as head of the church and then, *gasp* let Him run it. Novel idea.

I came home tonight and sat at the piano and played. When we focus on worship, on why God made us, it makes it so much easier to submit to His will and His desires for us. Church is not the battleground and I don't want to fight. Tomorrow I work, I'll serve the people of this city and try to not scream "Jesus ain't here you're stuck with me" when they cry, "help me Jesus, help me" with their stubbed toe. But some days working there is as humbling as anything I've ever done in the church, actually probably more so.

The Church and Harry Potter

I write this with tongue in cheek, or actually with my tongue bleeding from biting it so much. This church that we previously attended is in far worse shape than I ever dreamed. They can't seem to dedide who is head of the church, Christ or the pastor. I thought that was a "giveme" so to speak. Anyway, this is not yet resolved, more to be done. We are currently abstaining from attending, we are gathering with a small group to seek God about what to do now. We don't know, and really there isn't anywhere I really want to go until we know what the outcome of this will be.

One would think it wouldn't be that difficult, yet it seems it is. Christianity isn't that hard, two basic rules: love your brother as yourself, put no other god before God. I may be misquoting, I'm rather tired and all, but over all, it's not difficult. At this time I'm not real sure I want to be part of a church that is struggling this hard on how to make things right. I just dont see it. But, we shall know soon.

More Journal or the Church in Exile or Mean People Suck

God has such a sense of humour. I've been rereading much of what I've journaled and would like to add more. I'm still in amazement of what all has occured.

To begin, please realize I have much respect for people in ministry yet I realize they are only human. I have at least one son going into ministry and I do know that child. Also please know that I find this situation appaling, however, this is not typical of the church and I don't want to feed anyone's "this is why I'm our of church" anger. We make our own choices and so do the people in the church. Any church.

The AP resigned, or as the pastor said, "He quit!" No need to mention why, that wasn't the point the pastor wanted to make. Funny thing how God provides, AP was offered a job the next day, they have missed no meals. There was a vote of confidence at the church, pastor won by 8 votes... not so confident but it was a win. He then fired youth minister and music minister that week. My oldest son took his keys and letter of resignation from all his activities to the church as soon as he heard (this was Friday). On Monday I wrote a letter resigning my spouse, myself and youngest son (he taught a Sunday School class) from anything we were involved in. I sat on those until Wednesday to make sure I had everything in the letter that I wanted. No need to rush, lest things be said in anger that shouldn't or that in haste something was left out.

These were sent to the church by email and given to the pastor on Wednesday, then I drove out of town for a funeral. On my return that afternoon I recieved word that the pastor had resigned. This was confirmed later that week.

Now, one would think that if the pastor resigned the week after firing these other men that the church would want them back. They didn't do that. In fact, I can't understand anything the remaining people are doing. Seems that since all the leadership is gone, the deacons are making decisions they aren't supposed to make and not bringing anything to the congregation.

Back to the title, the Church in Exile...... what has occured is that many of the people want to be together, they want to be under the leadership of the AP, YM and MM. So for a time we are meeting at a room under a bowling alley, just gathering to be together. AP has been teaching, we don't know what it means but many of us feel like minded about this: if we were in a marriage and the man came to the woman and said, "I don't love you any more, get out." Could she honestly go from there and the next week look for a new husband? How can we look for a new church when we are so conflicted about what has happened? So this is a time of healing.

The rumours are anywhere from funny (pastor is getting death threats) to infuriating (pastor is getting death threats)... no, there are many rumours. Sadly, people are believing many of them. I don't understand how people can believe so much gossip about people they have known for years. At this point I'm inclined to wonder about the level of depth in these people. Maybe they aren't reading the word to understand how to relate to one another.

Enough for one night. I rejoice that evil will not win. I am not calling pastor evil lest I be misunderstood. Pastor is leaving town, the damage to a formally respectable church is continuing. It is really sad, but then, God will be glorified.

Questions

Many years ago I dreamed about a door in the heavens. It's hard to describe, but it was like looking up into the starry night and seeing all these stars and then a black area. The black area was actually a door. As I looked at this I heard a voice saying that once that door was opened I could never go back. I had this dream several times until finally I opened the door.

The one concept that I could never understand while growing up was how someone could not believe in God. I'm in the south, everyone around me went to church and the few that didn't would at least give lip service to the concept that there was a god and most of them had a general passing knowledge of Christianity. Besides, with all the wonders of creation around us and the more that I learned in science the more I actually believed there was no other way besides devine intervention. So what was the revelation behind the door?

As I went through the door I began to understand how someone could not believe. So what? It then became a choice for me to believe. I had never had that before. My mind was opened to possibilities that I had never explored before. It's strange to discuss, for me now, that I actually have a choice on a regular basis, to believe or not believe. To realize that I could walk away from all that I have embraced for many years. One decision.

At times I've not been pleased to have had that revelation. For about ten years I did walk away from it. Many things that I did were done with the knowledge that I was deliberately walking into sin with no regret at the time. No excuses. I'm not proud of what I did, but I think it did make it easier when I did come face to face with my sin that I didn't make excuses..... okay maybe a few, but overall, I knew I made those choices and I was alone responsible for my sin.

Now.... I am totally a grace and mercy loving person. I know that many people consider me a fool for my beliefs. I know that when I wonder about where would I be had I not made some choices or had I been born on the east coast or to different parents or....... all in all, I'm so glad that I did made the choices I did. God will use me in spite of who I am. And for those that would judge me for being honest, yes, I sinned, then they need to wonder what Jesus wrote in the sand. I know I don't want my sin exposed without the grace / mercy of Jesus covering it.

The Decision

So, we asked God to end this stuff at the church quickly. He did. Again with the concept of "be careful what you ask for." The pastor announced last night that he is not wrong, he has not handled anything wrong, he did act angry a few times and we should forgive him for that, and this is going to be a traditional church and if you don't like it you should leave. We had been told previously that we could write out any questions we had, last night we were told that they were hurtful and we had been mean to his family. I'm not seeing that.

All in all, my family will leave. While I still believe the man is in sin and at one time I thought we should be there as a voice of the truth, that time is no more. He is in the hands of God for him to deal with (it always was, but we were continually praying for him - being there helped us focus on that). We will step out and see what God is doing in other places in our city.

This is not the first time we have dealt with things like this, I hope it's our last, but I doubt it. Sadly men in leadership forget they are responsible for the sheep under them and it's easy to fall into sin. I long for the day that God is more fully revealed in the hearts of man.

Now, the migraine that has troubled me all day is getting more demanding of my attention. It wants noise reduced and lights out. I think I shall do as it requests.

Journal #3

So we've reached an impass..... (think Princess Bride)

AP resigned..... his letter "I'm resigning due to the conduct of xxxx in his role as pastor / shepherd of xxx church.

Based on Eziekiel he carried his stuff out of the office publically and slowly (as if going into exile). This caused much uproar, he was well loved. I had been at his home the night before praying with his spouse and that was not the plan. I believe God did this to bring it all out in the open.

Now we are waiting to see what will happen with YM and music guy (he's on vacation, he's way stressed - he messed up one Sunday, never seen him do that). They have called in a mediator, great plan if you are a business but sucks when the pastor hand picked him and filled him in before they all met together. However, they announced a meeting last Wednesday, we will answer all your questions they said. Many, many people came. We got a sermon on the tongue and were told that we could write out all our questions and the pastor would review them. They kept saying they were there because were was "conflict among the staff" but never said what it was. I finally raised my had and surpirse they acknowledged me. I asked that they state what the conflict was. The mediator said, "Several months ago some people left the church, part of the staff wants reconciliation, part believes there is no need." Then he asked if that summed it up, some said no, but he didn't go any further. There were a few more questions, but no answers.

The previous Sunday the worship was dead. This Sunday was interesting. I went because my son led worship and I wanted to be there for that. Worship was good (okay even if I wasn't his mom it wasn't bad) but pastor didn't show. And he didn't bother to tell his staff where he was. Chairman of the deacons announced he took some time off. I've heard he went out of state to meet with his dad. I don't know.

This is a brief summary of much action. There is a lot of hurt, a lot of anger. I don't see me there any longer. I belive what I said after the prayer thing, I'm done there. My concern now is for my sons, the youngest is still in the youth, and I would like him to remain under the youth minister until that changes.

Pray for this church. I honestly believe that if the pastor doesn't repent he will perish. While I have tried to maintain respect and not state everything this is what many of us believe. I think he was brought here by God to be confronted with his sin, but also that he should repent and have much ministry in the future. I still pray for him, I would rather that he repent and be blessed. I have seen two times where God did judgement on people, and I hope to never see it again.

Journal part 2

Now, Harry has left the church, over the next several months, so did 140 others. This church averaged around 350, so it was noticed. The people leaving were solid folks, tithers, very involved. It was a blow.

During this time I had met with the pastors wife a few times trying to get to know her. At one lunch, she lied to me about how the AP was brought it. I've looked at this from many sides but I keep coming back to the point that you know who your husbands friends are, particulary a 15 year friendship. Now remember, I really do like AP.

Things that were upsetting besides the Harry issue were that many of the previous ministries were being stopped: the mission trips to a South American country (we were told we were wrong not to have been teaching them to be our denomination - you know, the great commission "go forth and make them *** denomination"), there were several they tried to stop but people rebelled; I can't name them all, but it was quite dramatic.

One of the things that was fundamental to the group of people that were leaving was that reconcilation must be done. Over time the YM went to Harry and acknowledged his error. He also was reaching out to the youth that had left the church, in essence, remaining a pastor to them even though he wasn't "responsible" for them. I found this so wonderful, shows he really has a pastors heart. Then I found out the same with the AP and the music minister. They were all reaching out to those that had left, not to get them back, but because they loved them and were concerned for them.

During this time I started getting close the the AP and his wife. I found that they have a heart for ministry. I also found out a lot about the pastor that I had hoped was not true. But they confirmed things that others had witnessed: outburst of anger, making fun of the people, spreading gossip, subversly trying to fire / or get people to resign when he got frustrated with them (one of these was my son, however he was doing such a good job they couldn't fire him - oh, he has gotten his dream job since - God was faithful to him).

It has all come out now, the pastor found out the youth pastor reconciled with Harry, he wanted him out of his job. Pastor went to AP and said, we must make him resign. AP went to the others and outed it. I need to clarify, in the previous months, the YM, MM, and AP all realized the wrong that had been done and have come to believe that pastor is walking in sin (this would be pride, arrogance, basically pride of life). He is much like King Saul. So, pastor found out about AP telling them, punished them by not allowing anyone but music guy to be in the service the next week (pastor can't sing) and not talking to them.

During this time many things were happening in the body. People have become aware of the chaos. They were getting direction from God about what to pray, most had the same scripture: Eziekiel was the main one. There was also Acts 5 and 9. One was the point that when Pharoh hardened his heart, he lost everything but didn't die until he chased the Hebrews in anger. The before mentioned confretation at the alter was during a time of prayer about all of this. Too much to record, but I found it exciting that so many had such a burden.

Chapter 3

Journal

Today I am simply journing some of what has happened in the life of the church for the last several months. You would find this boring and that's fine. I'm frankly ashamed to write this, but I must to straighten out my thoughts. Let me first say that I'm not pleased that we even have denominations and I think we overlook much of what Christ taught in order to advance our own adgenda. I believe we must focus on the basic teaching: love one another, do justly, do what is right and what humbly before our God.

We bought in a new pastor last Easter, his father is well known in our denomination but I believe that our search committee did an excellent job in seeking out who God wanted. Shortly after he arrived he brought in a man to be associate pastor. This particular church is structured such that the pastor can hire anyone he wants, we don't vote on that, but the church votes on the financial package (I think most people didn't realize that until now, other positions the pastors prior had always sought input from the congregation). As it turns out, the AP (associate pastor) is now well loved, but many of us were upset with how he was brought in.

The first hint I had of upset was when our music minister left. I knew no specifics, but for this man to leave without a job lined up was strange, and there was obvious tension. However, I thought very little of it. The man that replaced the music minister was also given the position of missions pastor. He has also become well loved.

Next you should know about our youth minister (YM). He's been at the church for many years but served with the youth as pastor for 5 years. I've been amazed at his passion for youth, for outreach, for everything. He is well loved and I for one have always felt like God will do much with this one.

So around November there was a man in the church that is very well respected: deacon, pastor advisory committee, Sunday school teacher, pretty much everything. He is also well respected in the community, even by people that dislike his stand on issues (he is involved in politics, but really, his "enemies" dislike his politics but all say he's a nice guy). This man began questioning some of the new pastors actions, things that when he was interviewing he said he wouldn't do. He tried to make appointments to talk with him and was put off for over a month. This situation escalated, meetings were held and the man was vilified. It became quite ugly. Lets call him Harry. Harry had 3 meetings with the pastor, he was only in the last meeting allowed to have someone with him, in between the meetings it was spread throughout the church that Harry was trying to take over the church, that Harry was upset because he wanted a different type of government, that Harry was spreading dissention. My children were told this by office staff. Harry ended up leaving the church, many people were confused because while they had known him many, many years and had never seen him act out, that surely the pastor would not lie.

Harry's Sunday school class, which I went to, was so confused. See, Harry never defended himself or shared publicly what had occured. While Harry is no saint, there is a reason he is well respected. Harry's wife is one of my closet friends, and even I was confused that such a thing had happened. Surely this was total misunderstanding, yet in my heart I knew better. Anyway, the AP was sent to the class to explain to us why this happened. The people in this class are overall quite strong Christians, that understand how to deal with conflict. Many of them work for a parachurch company that is located here. We were very kind to AP, however upset that the pastor would not come and talk to us. Fianlly he agreed to come. He brought with him: the SS director, music minister, and two of the deacons. Talk about intimidating, however, I even asked hard questions (mine was: do you think that in any of this that you have done anything wrong? He said no). And instead of giving us unlimited time, as was promised, he still left early with us asking questions. End of chapter one.

Maybe It's Us

To jump in or not. There is uproar in the church. What's new you say, well, it's been ten years or so since the last church I was in had uproar. We left that church, came to this one. Maybe it's us.

So this week, I went to the church to pray. Sadly, there was an "unfortunate" event that happened in the sanctuary in front of the alter. I honestly never saw it coming. Again, my flesh is quite strong, had I time to think, I might have reacted differently and I actually didn't hear everything that was said to me (what was said that I missed was quite tacky and mean). As it was, I focused in on "so you are telling us to leave? We are here to pray!" Suddenly when the woman realized I was going to force her to tell us to leave where all could hear she backed down. There was prayer by all (actually some of it has come to be quite funny to me - I didn't realize that God prefers us to pray with the persons title attached to the name ie Dr. so and so -- or that the denomination is the one closest to the the early church and the right one

I'm so tired of games. And then there was my anger. Was it rightous anger that someone would, in the sanctuary at the alter, tell someone who was there to pray to leave. And of course, as a southern woman that you would be so tasteless to act as unkind as she did. The thoughts from some of those there has amused me. I have been assured I could have "taken" her / them. *giggle* But pleased that I made no move that I now would regret.

So what to do tomorrow? My feeling now is that I should not send my 16 y/o without parental cover. Should they want to say mean things, maybe he does need to hear it. However, Christ would not be glorified by that. I can go, discretely be in the balcony after Sunday School (the 2nd graders are unaware of the conflict, I think it will be okay to be with them). I can show that I bear no malice.

So you ask, have I forgiven? Yes, I believe so. Did it hurt? Yeah, but at this time I've kinda laughed a lot at how foolish it is. Compare the suffering of a few women's scorn to the sufferings of Christ, of any of the disciples, of any Christing in a communist country and this is nothing. With that thought, I kinda wish they had been meaner (oops, tomorrow still looms) to at least have something worthy of comparison.

Well, I don't know what will happen, when I think about it, it matters not. The average church has no clue of the importance of the body of Christ, or what I believe is more worthy of our time. I have begun to think this people isn't interested in anything but what the "convention" wants. They got what they wanted, a big name preacher, and all his baggage.

Sad Day

This day must be remembered in my personal life. A friend went with me to pray in the sanctuary of the church that I attend and she is still a member of (God has called her away, but she still teaches one of the classes for now). We were told upon re-entering the sanctuary that she was not welcome there. She had was one that had been spreading dissention. Actually she is one that has been praying diligently for the person that told her to leave. I asked, "you are telling us to leave?" They told me no, but she had to leave. I replied that she was my guest, but we would leave. Another stepped in and said we should all stay and pray together. We did.

Towards the end of this time of prayer, where we all sought God's will for this place, I had the image that I was to wash my hands of this place. At the time I left the sanctuary I had my shoes off (common for when I pray), I picked them up and walked out. When I told my husband of the incident, repeating that I had repented of anger I felt at being told she must leave he said no, rightous indignation is right. I don't know, I leave that in God's hands. But then he told me he had been feeling we were to take out shoes off, dust off our feet and leave that place.

Must more to write, but this was to be recorded. I think we are clear about the path we are to take.

Amazing Grace

I saw the movie today. My feelings as I watched were what would I stand up for? What have I done that is worthy of the cross?

Are we ever worthy of the cross? No, we are not. The sacrifice was far too great for what we can do or anything we can offer. I know I am inadequate, yet I know too that I have a place in this world.

Lately I've had a particular mission that has spoken to me. I've never been, only heard of it, yet I wonder why it speaks so to my heart.

I'm a nurse, I love critical care. I love the energy, the thinking, and making a difference in someones life or many times their death. I do not cause death, but meekly observe when all options are gone. I'm not that smart, but I believe I have a gift for certain aspects of it. Why? I'm beginning to think God has a larger plan that I thought for me. Maybe it's to go somewhere and give to people.

Africa, never cared about it at all. It's nothing I would choose, yet this mission is there. For the first time, I could see me going there. I love children, I need them. I have a heart for AIDs patients, yet see few here.

My debt is so great, my redemption so real. I long to have a faith that would be acceptable to Christ, yet I find myself so weak. I'm sick of the boundaries that we place on God, denominations, labels, and whatever else. For me, a lack of vision and faith. I am nothing, yet He lives in me (when I let Him). The bounds of this world are strong in me, I love my stuff, and yet I don't. But I fear being tested about my stuff. Example, we gave our children to God when they were small, I know He watches over them, yet I fear He will test me by taking them away. But then, He loves them far more than I ever could. And at times I feel so safe that He has them, their hearts are so strong for Christ, they put me to shame. Maybe it's that we willingly gave them that is the security (not that He can't take them) but that we know who watches over them.

This is long, but I feel so weak at the moment. Yet at times I think it's that my age is showing, I realize they will soon leave home and I can be more available to Christ. Then I will be responsible to act out what is in my heart.

What Would You Talk About

I had some time with a friend today talking about the Lord. She has such a strong religious background I don't think she understands the difference between religion and relationship. I finally asked, so if you were sitting down and talking with Jesus what would you talk about?

Funny thing is, I then began to wonder, what would I talk about? Ponder that. There are so many things that I would like to discuss, but they are not what I would have thought. So I thought of a few things:
* Why do churches break up? Did I miss the big picture?
* Am I on the right track with my thinking? Is the picture bigger than I even think? Will you show me the bigger stuff? I want to see beyond what I do.
* Can we run the race to the end? Can we win? I have a friend that believes we can get there, I am beginning to think we can transform beyond my previous thoughts.
* I know that bad things happen, I want to know how to really reach those that survive it. But I really don't want to lose my children to understand. I want to know how to hear God when I'm with these people.
* She said she wondered if she is raising her children well. Mine are almost grown, and I wonder. They are very good kids by most standards, but did I do all I could. Should I have been stricter? In some ways I'm very insecure about this one. We home schooled, and I'm not as discipliened as I should have been. My kids didn't make the honors. I worry.
* How can I be more like Him? Will He change me? Will I ever know total peace?
* Can I make a difference?
* Can I see through His eyes? Can I love like He does? Why wasn't this question first?
* Will I ever really trust completely? Will I ever stop knowing that I can walk away because I do know the darkness. Sadly I made choices to understand it, and it's far too real to me. Just a choice away. Yet He holds me and retrieved me from it.

My family has been blessed, there is no doubt. I see my sons have a heart for God, they seek Him with a thirst that amazes me. I know their journey will be hard, for they have much to learn. We gave them to God as children and I know He may take them places I would not have chosen, but I've known for some time that He is ordering their steps. Yet I am insecure in what I've trained them in.

Some days I say the desciples that walked with Jesus had it better for knowing him, but then I know He sent the Holy Spirit to teach us. Some days you just want a hug.

God is Alive

Seems like a statement that would be obvious. Two of my children are at Passion '07 this week, I watched the broadcast of one of the sessions yesterday. After being in a church that is in the process of massive change that doesn't seem headed in a positive direction, this was refreshing.

Points:
1. This isn't about "I'm a big name, come listen." They don't announce who the speakers are, they don't do big introductions. It's not about them, it's about what God is doing.
2. They prayed for South Dakota to be represented. So....... when no one registered from a college there, they decided to continue to pray for them.
3. I'm not sure how many people are there, 1300 colleges are represented. These people are on fire.
4. My son who always carries a camera left it at home, didn't want to be distracted. Wow
5. They brought towels and socks for the homeless in Atlanta, they wanted the city to know that Jesus cares........ "as you do it unto the least of these"


When I watched this I was so moved that it's not about any denomination (which split the body) but all about Jesus and the good news. As a friend told me recently.... It IS good news! The captive is free! My chains are broken!!

Am I lifting up people, no, I'm excited. My ten years in Egypt made me wonder what God was doing in the earth, I am seeing glimpses now. One of the most exciting things I've heard was that muslims are having dreams about Jesus and are being converted. How powerful is that. I've heard this through two independent sources..... I believe.