I saw the movie today. My feelings as I watched were what would I stand up for? What have I done that is worthy of the cross?
Are we ever worthy of the cross? No, we are not. The sacrifice was far too great for what we can do or anything we can offer. I know I am inadequate, yet I know too that I have a place in this world.
Lately I've had a particular mission that has spoken to me. I've never been, only heard of it, yet I wonder why it speaks so to my heart.
I'm a nurse, I love critical care. I love the energy, the thinking, and making a difference in someones life or many times their death. I do not cause death, but meekly observe when all options are gone. I'm not that smart, but I believe I have a gift for certain aspects of it. Why? I'm beginning to think God has a larger plan that I thought for me. Maybe it's to go somewhere and give to people.
Africa, never cared about it at all. It's nothing I would choose, yet this mission is there. For the first time, I could see me going there. I love children, I need them. I have a heart for AIDs patients, yet see few here.
My debt is so great, my redemption so real. I long to have a faith that would be acceptable to Christ, yet I find myself so weak. I'm sick of the boundaries that we place on God, denominations, labels, and whatever else. For me, a lack of vision and faith. I am nothing, yet He lives in me (when I let Him). The bounds of this world are strong in me, I love my stuff, and yet I don't. But I fear being tested about my stuff. Example, we gave our children to God when they were small, I know He watches over them, yet I fear He will test me by taking them away. But then, He loves them far more than I ever could. And at times I feel so safe that He has them, their hearts are so strong for Christ, they put me to shame. Maybe it's that we willingly gave them that is the security (not that He can't take them) but that we know who watches over them.
This is long, but I feel so weak at the moment. Yet at times I think it's that my age is showing, I realize they will soon leave home and I can be more available to Christ. Then I will be responsible to act out what is in my heart.
